As someone who suffers from considerably bad anxiety and depression, I am pretty open about my journey to overcome it (see my previous post here) and I feel no shame in admitting that I see a therapist monthly. That said, I’m also a believer that anyone could benefit from therapy–not necessarily just those who are trying to overcome obstacles in their life. But I get it–it’s a luxury that not everyone can afford; so if I can do a little good today, I will share the four things my therapist has told me (time and time again) that have changed my life–and I believe may be able to help you too.

‘”Wishing” isn’t a positive coping mechanism.”

The first step to healing is accepting; so it’s no wonder that saying things like “I wish I didn’t have anxiety,” “I wish I was more normal,” etc., as harmless as it may seem, is considered to be a very unhealthy response. Of course, that’s not to say you can’t wish that certain things didn’t happen to you, but you shouldn’t dwell on them as ultimately unless you found a genie in a bottle, “wishing” won’t proactively make things better.

Instead of spending time and energy wishing for a different outcome, accept it for what it is and remind yourself that while you can’t wish your problems away, you can control how you react to them–which leads us to phrase #2.

“Focus only on the things you can control.”

Do you often find yourself wondering “what if”? How many of those “what if” questions that you ask yourself are actually within your control? What if your boss hates you? What if you die tomorrow? What if you are late to work because there’s traffic ahead? What if your life would be different if that thing happened differently?

Well for starters, those thoughts are normal–but you have to identify which part of those questions you can actively control before letting them spiral into an anxiety episode. For example, you can’t control other people’s feelings and thoughts, tomorrow’s traffic pattern, or the future/past. The only thing you can control is the way you allow these thoughts to impact your life–and unless you find the cure to death and a telepathy or time travel device, worrying about such things aren’t actually doing you any good and are alternatively driving you crazy trying to find a totally unreasonable solution.

The first step to eliminating these anxiety-causing thoughts is to identify them as such and remind yourself that there’s not much use in dwelling on them outside of finding a solution within your control. IE. Get a new job, leave for work earlier, etc.

“Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.”

Media and television have painted a picture that we should be happy, always–as though life should be all butterflies and sipping margaritas on a beach–but the truth of the matter is that it’s not. Life is full of ups and downs, ins and outs, and you will always be faced with new challenges and hardships that make you uncomfortable, even if it’s something as simple as going out in public.

While you can take steps to rid yourself of unnecessary exposure to uncomfortable situations (thank you, delivery apps!) it’s not always possible, and trying to shield yourself from all of life’s uncomfortable situations will only cause you to feel frustrated and unprepared when such situations do arise. Instead of trying to avoid everything that causes you discomfort, as my therapist puts it, try to “get comfortable with being uncomfortable.”

“Don’t strive for perfection, only strive to be better.”

Despite what high school told you, practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist–but improvements do. Striving to reach unrealistic goals of perfection will only set you up for failure. This could be as simple as saying that you “don’t want to have depression anymore.” While that’s an admirable goal, it’s way less practical than saying “I want to experience fewer depressive episodes.”

You might not be able to be totally “cured” of your problems, but remember that many small improvements = big improvements over time.