Let’s leave the word “should” in 2020.

“Should” has become one of my least favorite words, right up there with “moist.” The idea that you “should” look, act, or be something specific may actually be what’s keeping you from reaching your goals.

Think about it: you’re setting goals that make you happy and feeling pretty good about your decisions, but then you scroll on social media, talk to a friend or family member, or turn on the T.V. and suddenly you are doubting yourself, your abilities, and your life choices.

You think you’re doing something wrong because you’re not getting engaged, following the latest workout or diet craze, buying a house and having kids like all your friends.

You wonder how everyone else is so happy, successful and fit. You feel overwhelmed, wondering how you can “have it all”, even though you’re getting a million conflicting messages. Your motivation quickly fades and you feel like you’re failing at all the things society says you “should” be and do.

Basing your self worth off of what society tells you your life “should” look like is like playing limbo and letting society hold the bar. You will always be chasing a moving and unattainable target that will leave you constantly unhappy with your life.

This game also causes us to set bad boundaries or put our physical and mental health on the backburner.

We end up in situations where we feel unfulfilled and unhappy chasing what we think we “should” do instead of what we want to do. We feel guilt and shame for actions that benefit us, such as taking time away from our jobs or kids even for a quick workout, because we’ve received messages that doing so is selfish, that we “should” be doing something else, more productive, more successful, more fit, more wealthy, etc.

This “should shame” then takes our energy away from the very thing we think we should be doing, and we end up not being able to put our best self forward. It’s a vicious shame cycle.

If this is something you’ve struggled with, here are some tips to help:

• Get really clear on the “why” behind your goals and actions: Who would you be and what goals would you have if no one was around to judge, approve, or validate them?
• Set intentions and actions that align with who you want to be, not what you think you “should” do. Basing your actions on what everyone else is doing or comparing your journey to someone else’s can lead to feelings of never being good enough and keep you from chasing your dreams.
• Set boundaries. Mute the profiles and voices that make you feel insecure, including your own. Say no to things that don’t align with who you want to be. Remember that other people make negative comments about your life, food choices, body, etc, as a projection of their own fear and/or insecurity. How much power we give to what others think about us is also a boundary we need to set with ourselves.
• Don’t forget that most of what you see online isn’t real and a lot of diet and fitness culture marketing exists to make money. Don’t let anyone profit off of your insecurities. Remind yourself that just because you are the same age or have the same goals as someone else doesn’t mean you are running the same race. Don’t assume that you started the race at the same exact spot and had the same number of obstacles in the same places. It’s not a race: find a sustainable pace and stride that works for you and keep going.
• Celebrate small wins. Reward yourself for acting boldly consistently, reframing negative thoughts or just showing up exactly as you are. Consistency is key to developing new behaviors, learning new skills and taking action towards becoming the best version of yourself. Practice staying consistent regardless of what others do or say.

Remember that you are already amazing just as you are. You are the only “you” there is, and your worth isn’t determined by your job, productivity, income, body or anything else. Focus on who you want to be, and what makes the most sense for YOUR likes, needs, health and goals.

The only person who knows what’s best for you is YOU. You don’t need to prove your worth to yourself or anyone else, so make 2021 the year you shed the “should.”